My mother passed away on Monday January 28, 2007 at 4:30am. Its been a very busy week, inside my heart, inside my head, and physically all around me.
I wish everyone could have seen the way my mom died. I wish everyone could have seen the way my mom lived, because then, the way she died would not have surprised you at all.
It was very clear that God was with her.
On the Saturday before she passed she was very lucid, and she was able to say all the things that she needed to say, and that we needed to hear.
First I think I need to back up and tell you about my family.
My mother married my dad when I was about three. He has three kids from his previous marriage. It is important to know that we are all Very Close. This includes my father’s ex-wife. She and my mom became best friends.
My parents and my grandparents built a house together when I was a freshman in high school. My mom’s only brother lives in this house, too. Its like a duplex with a shared foyer, laundry room and basement. We are all Very Close.
So, the Saturday before my mom died we were all there. My dad, his ex-wife, my two older sisters, my two younger sisters, my little brother, my niece, my grandparents and my uncle. My mom had lots to say to all of us. We needed that. She told us kids that she was proud of all of our accomplishments. She told my dad’s ex-wife that even though it was unconventional, she thought they had done a pretty good job of raising all of us kids.
In my heart, it is definitely nice to know that I have a Back Up Mother. Not many people can say that. Diane has known me ever since my dad has known me. I was so worried that no one would really know me after my mom passed away. It was just me and my mom for three years before any body else came around. She knew all the things about me that I didn’t. But, I guess, in the long run? What’s three years? My Gramma and Papa knew me then, too. And they are still here.
My mom said this wasn’t the way she thought it was going to be. She said that she thought it would be different, but this was good. It was really peaceful.
By Sunday she was pretty exhausted, and I will save you the details, but she couldn’t stay under the pain killers. She was really restless, and not very coherent. I was begging God to take her because I could no longer see the point.
I stayed the night at my parent’s house on Sunday. I will always be thankful that I made that decision. When she went, my two sisters and I were right there. And, my brother and my niece. And my grandparents and my uncle. It sounds funny to say, but when she finally went…I haven’t felt that kind of peace in two years.
My two older sisters were able to get there within the hour with their mother. It was so nice to have them all around.
We had her funeral yesterday and over 500 people came. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. My sister Miki gave the eulogy and it was so very Good. My brother Kurtis also got up and spoke and it was really grown up of him.
And I was so proud of myself that I didn’t cry until we got to the cemetary. But, I got it together pretty quickly there, too.
My poor dad. I took a mental picture of him at the cemetary. He told us he needed a minute so we all went back to our cars. And, there he stood, holding onto Diane. And then she went back to her car. And, there he stood. Alone. He put two roses in her grave, and I’m sure he said something like, “I’m gonna miss you Booboo.” And then he started walking back toward us, stopped, and turned around one last time.
I was thankful for my brother in law Nick yesterday. When he got out of the car and helped my dad finish walking the rest of the way to his car.
I’m going to really miss my mom.
There are so many times when you think that your parents didn’t teach you anything. Or how you wish they had been better parents. But, in the end, it really doesn’t matter what did or didn’t happen because everything you are was because of the way that they were. Good or bad, you learned how to be you because of them.
I think I turned out pretty good. So I guess I must have had a pretty good teacher.
17 comments
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February 1, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Loralee
Sweet Girl.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
This is a beautiful post.
You turned out VERY well, indeed.
All my thoughts are with you and your family.
February 1, 2008 at 5:50 pm
loraleeslooneytunes.com » Sideblog:Condolences
[…] about how Jen’s posts about her mom fighting a terminal disease move me. Her wonderful mother passed away on January 28th with loved ones by her side. All my thoughts and hugs are with her.Sideblog: Product Weirdness I […]
February 1, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Jamie
I am so so sorry to read about the death of your mom. I came over from Loralee’s blog.
Big hugs to you.
February 1, 2008 at 7:32 pm
EGE
After great pain, a formal feeling comes —
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs
The stiff Heart questions, was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?
The Feet, mechanical, go round —
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought —
A Wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone —
This is the Hour of Lead —
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow —
First — Chill — then Stupor — then the letting go —
Emily Dickinson
(I’m so sorry, my Pretty Smoking Friend)
February 2, 2008 at 12:49 am
Jen From 2Bee's Hive
Hi Jen it’s me Jen again! I am terribly sorry for your loss! I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face as I read this post! It was absolutely beautiful! I know your pain as I lost my mom almost 6 years ago! I know I am a complete stranger but if you ever need to talk to vent you’ve got my email! You and your family are in my prayers, as I know this is a very difficult and emotional time!! God Bless!
Jen
February 2, 2008 at 11:51 am
A Request « cool beans
[…] 2, 2008 My friend Jen lost her mother this week. Please head over and love on her a little. Thank […]
February 2, 2008 at 11:54 am
coolbeans
I’m so sorry, honey.
February 2, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Alicia
I came over from cool-beans …
This is a beautiful tribute to your mom. She leaves a legacy of great love.
I am no stranger to grief, and I wish you and your family peace as you walk a strange road in a strange land.
February 2, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Kismet
I am sorry for your incredible loss. It sounds like your mother was a wonderful woman who raised great kids.
May you soon find peace in your sorrow.
~K!
Coolbeans sent me over
February 4, 2008 at 10:16 am
superblondgirl
Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I’m glad, though, that it was peaceful and that it went as smoothly as it did. Your family sounds amazing, as does your mother, and this post was so beautiful.
Sending much, much hugs your way, girlie.
February 4, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Rachel
I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
February 8, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Carrie
Oh, Jen, I’m so so so sorry for your loss. But you know where she is and you know she isn’t hurting anymore. This is such a beautiful tribute to a woman who obviously was a wonderful mom. Because, frankly, you rock.
Love,
Carrie
February 10, 2008 at 10:31 pm
whymommy
I’m so, so sorry for your loss, Jen. You’ve clearly been a wonderful daughter to her, and I can hear in your voice how close you have been.
Know that although this is clearly your loss to bear, you do not grieve alone.
February 16, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Nancy
I am sorry for your loss, but I envy you for having so many people in your life that matter. What a remarkable person she was to have created such a life full of love and compassion. This is a tribute to blended families, that unfortunately, is not the norm.
I lost my mom thirty years ago, and a day never goes by without me thinking of her. Everything leaves, love remains.
February 23, 2008 at 2:45 am
hbomb
oh honey. its been so long since i stumbled online and got a chance to read this and im so so sorry for this delayed response.
but much much more than that i am so sorry for your loss. it sounds like she went in the best possible way with everyone she loved around her and everyone that loved her there too…how amazing and special.
thinking of you darling…
July 8, 2008 at 8:35 pm
Kir
Hey Jen, just found your blog, and I am so sorry again for your loss, but proud of you and your family at the same time. You are a model of fierce love and studied grace, and the post you wrote paints that image beautifully. Thank you for showing me how to handle grief. Kir
September 5, 2008 at 7:45 pm
allthepretties
give me a D…..