You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2008.

Reasons I will never single handedly save the universe:

I like baggies.  Borders on love.  I like them a lot.  I like them in all sizes.  I would use them on a train and I would use them in the rain.  I do so like them, internets.

I have approximately sixty thousand of them in a drawer.  Rounding up.

Hey, but! we recycle.  We recycle the plastic bottles of water that I buy weekly.  I know, right?  Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Reasons I am thirteen years old:

I can’t wait for Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 to come out.  I picked up the first book a few years ago.  I read the back and thought, “Hey!  Pants that Travel!  Great concept!  Could be the next Great American Novel!  I’m picking this up!!”  And I read it.  And, I didn’t really KNOW it was going to be about a group of teenagers, but whatever, okay?  It was not a bad book. 

And, then the movie came out and I was all like YES!  My  Gilmore Girl was in it.  My Joan of Arcadia was in it.  I really enjoy pith.  I mean, I really really enjoy pith.  So, naturally, I like this movie. 

And, now the second one is coming out and I did not read that book, but I am still partially excited and will probably find someone to go to the movie theater with me.  I mean, really.  Gossip Girl is HOT!

Another reason I am thirteen? October 26th, babies!!!

One more:  I keep watching Secret Life of the American Teenager.  Its not good.  Least, I don’t think its good.  Its a train wreck, but I just keep watching.  Molly Ringwald is in it!  She is a really sucky actress.  Too bad she couldn’t have just quit acting on a high note.

Reasons that I am definitely a better person than my husband is:

This year?  With the election coming up and everything?  I figure either candidate is better than the current mess we have.  So I have made the decision to solely base my vote on the fact that I can change.  I’m switchin’ it up!  And, I’m EXCITED!  BH would never do that.  He thinks he would, but he’s too stubborn.  Basically, I’m voting for who I’m voting for to show BH that I am, in fact, a more flexible and all around better person than he is.

Reasons I will be having a big party at my house this weekend:

BH=Lollapalooza ’08.

Yer all invited.  Just be quiet during my shows.

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Last nite Mr. and Mrs. Big Hands went to the thea-tah.  For Mother’s Day, my dear sweet husband listened to my hidden inuendo and got us tix to see Wicked.

I’d read the book about four years ago, and remember loving it a lot.  Can’t remember all the details, but I know I REALLY liked it.  So, needless to say, I was EX CITE ED to see the show.  I love to see shows!  I’d prefer to see a play, but I love the theatre, so whatever…

Plus, everybody was all like, “You are gonna LOVE THIS SHOW.  OMJ*, its the best thing ever!  GADS ARE YOU EVER GOING TO THINK THIS WONDERFUL SHOW IS THE BOMB DIZZLE!”

And, I liked it, I really did.  It was funny.  Hilarious, almost.  Glinda was like Elle Woods and Cheri Oteri’s SNL cheerleader mixed together and then on crack.  A ton of very physical comedy.  She was the best part of the show.  I could totally picture Kristen Chenowith on Broadway.

But, I didn’t know it was going to be funny.  Not one person who’s seen it and told me I was going to love it said, “its so funny!”  Nary a one.  The book is not funny.  The book is sad.  The book made me cry. 

Don’t get me wrong…IT WAS GOOD.  Really good.  But, it was no Rent.  It was NO Les Mis.  At all.  Not even close.  I didn’t even get choked up at the standing ovation, and I always ALWAYS cry during standing ovations.

So, yeah; it was okay.  It was Great, even.  But, whenever people build something up like that, I’m always disappointed.  Like when I finally saw P.S. I Love You…my friend Fran told me I was going to start crying in the first two minutes and not stop til the end.  So, you know me, I love to cry, and I’m thinking, I cannot WAIT to see this movie.  And, I rented it on Pay Per View on a night when BH was gone, so I could get good and sopping wet sobbing.  Eh.  Not so much.  I mean…it was okay…

if someone had just told me it was going to be funny.   Because when I go to a show, I expect to be moved to tears.**

 

*OMJ: Oh, my Josh. This is what Holden and his friends say.  Example: “OMJ!  did you see that??”

**Im crying right now.

Happy Birthday to YOU!  Happy Birthday to YOU!

Its your day to party, so put on your hat!

Grab you some Johhny, say goodbye to the cat!

Have Su take you tu a really great lunch.

Be sure to get the “Happy Time Punch”.

Cuz its yer birthday beyatch!

Blow it up like a bomb~

Im sure that you party with the greatest aplomb*!

*no idea if I even used that correctly in that sentence.  And, I use the word “sentence” very loosely!  Happy Birthday, Friend.  Mr. Postman has a Goodie for you, but Mrs. Lazipants has to give it to him for you to get it.  Be on the lookout! xoxojen

My son went on a field trip to a local park today.  When I picked him up I asked if he had fun.

“Yeah.  There was this little playhouse. And people had written stuff with marker and pencil all over it.  One said ‘i heart jeel, he’s hot like fire’.”  And then we chuckled.

I said that I sure hoped there were no bad words there.  He said, “Well…there was this one that said, ‘Travis sucks.  Dick.”  NOW Im sure that it said, “Travis sucks dick”, but Holden had no idea what that meant.  I could tell by the the way he said it.  Like it was two sentences.  And, like it was no big deal to say that word in front of your mom. 

Don’t worry though.  I totally just told him what it meant because he was reading this over my shoulder and wanted to make absolutely sure that I told you about “Travis sucks.  Dick.”  And I said, DONT EVER SAY THAT AGAIN!!  And he said why, so I told him. 

I wish I could have captured the look of sheer hilarity on his face.  Apparently, to an almost nine year old, calling your penis “dick” is funny.  Just about as funny as saying “penis” of “fart”.  Or hearing someone else say “ass”.  Which is the funniest thing ever.

The most NOT funniest thing ever is that Im pretty sure I broke my stomach during yoga this morning.  I found a yoga program on the Oxygen Channel at 6 a.m.   As part of Operation Jen Kicks Total Butt (or should I say ass…tee hee) it has been my resolve to get physical.  I’ve been walking most every night after dinner.  I’ve been drinking forty five thousand million gallons of water a day, and I’ve limited my Oreo intake to 1/4 of a box a night.

Eventually, when I have plumb LOST MY FRIGGIN MIND, I want to start running.  Kir?  You made it sound fun.  Ish.  I want buns of steel.

BUT, I love yoga, and I was in a class before my mom got real sick and I had to quit it.  Then I learned that the teacher went all hinky with her hours and I couldn’t find a class with her that meshed with my schedule.  SO I found “Inhale” with Steve Ross.

This dude is trying to kill me.  He thinks I’m waaaaay more flexible than I am.  He wanted me to sit in a pretzel position and lift my butt off the floor using my arms.  He’s one funny dude, that Steve.  I was sweating like a pig.

And, man, if I wasn’t loving every second of it!

You think I mean like green green, but I dont!  I just mean this kind of green.  (um…mine’s green, that’s why.)

OH IT IS A WONDERFUL THING, THIS PHONE!!  I’ve never been so in love with a stupid THING in my life.  You must understand, I have always had cheap peices of crap cell phones.  But, BH got an iphone and friends, while I do not need a contraption like that, I do need something with a little more textability than the phone I had.  Because me?  Me likey the text.  My bff Chris and I spend most of Wednesday and Thursday evenings texting each other through So You Think You Can Dance.  My new phone?  My new green Rumor?  Yeah, it has a keyboard.  And, it flips out.  Which?  Is effin’ cool, okay?  And, my husband; he was so happy that I was so happy yesterday.  Now, he tells me, “Put that thing away!  Youre becoming one of Those People who just walk around texting everybody all the time.”  So I quickly texted him to shut up.

I have been with BH for nearly 10 years.  10 in September.  He laughs like Vince Vaughn.  I have tried to find you audio of Vince Vaughn laughing, and I cannot.  But, do you remember Swingers?  You remember at the diner after the bar and Vince gets up on the table and he’s laughing?  Like a donkey?  Yeah.  That’s how my husband laughs.  A few short donkey hee haws.  But last nite?  Last nite we were watching this Saturday Night Live skit and he got to laughing, and then I got to laughing at him, and ducks?  We had ourselves a giggle fest.  If you knew my husband, you would know exactly how funny this really is.  It is totally out of character for him to laugh, let alone giggle.  Tears were streaming down our faces.  In ten years, I have never ever heard him laugh like that.  I will tell you; it would be well worth another 10 years worth of waiting to hear him crack up like that again!

and, Ill tell you why:

1. my cable went out because its storming and I missed the last twenty minutes of so you think you can dance.  This has gotten me so faclempt that I cannot even be bothered with proper grammar capital letters or puncuation.  except for that last period  IM REALLY BUMMED

2. someone who i really respect ish did something that i found really bothersome.  she doesnt know she did it.  or maybe she does.  but Im too big of a BABY to say, hey!  where do you get off?  Okay, so I re-read this last bit, and I take back the respect part.  I dont know her.  I dont respect her, but I really like her writing.  Okay, so I just enjoy it.  Anyway.  IM REALLY MAD.

3.  My husband must hate me.  He won’t turn on the air and its 540 degrees outside.  Except its only 89, but IM REALLY HOT.  And, its giving me a headache I can’t get rid of.  FIE ON HIM AND A POX!

4. this one is edited in here, because it just now befuddled meWhy does Maxwell want to sing like a woman if he can actually sing like a man, and why in the hell is he singing it?  I dont think he gets it.

Okay.  So, now here are some things that make me a little bit happier:

1.  I think that, indeed, my husband must love me as on his way home from band practice he called and asked if I wanted anything from Taco Bell.  Which, duh.  Of course I did.  I was just thinking about it, too, when he called.  So basically?  I can mind warp my husband.  I have that kind of power.

2.  Dave Sedaris has a new book out.  Go to that link.  Read the excerpt.  The dude is hilarious.  He is one of the few people of reknown I would like to meet.  And, by that, I mean other than Ryan Gosling or Uma Thurman.  Or Sylvester Stallone or Kate Winslet.  Or, DER, Justin Timberlake or Pharrell.  Or Brangelina.  Or Jennifer Garner.

Because have you seen Catch and Release?  I have seen it.  About 4,000 times.  Can’t help myself.  That said?  13 Going on 30 is also one of my favorites.  I’m not even going to make excuses for myself. 

My head hurts too much.

We were invited to Gabe’s Sister’s Boyfriend’s Best Friend’s lake house this weekend.  I assure you that I know how I could have made that so very much easier to read, but until I can call him my Brother In Law, I have vowed to make it as complicated as possible.  So there!  I’m really letting her have it, huh!!

ANYHOO…so there was this lake and this house.  There was also this boat.  And, this boat went weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  And, also?  There was this little boy.  And a rope.  And a tube.  You put it together.

Watching my son go tubing for the first time in his little life was the scariest, yet most hilarious thing I have ever witnessed.  When I asked my sister in law Vanessa how many tubing accidents she thought there were a year, she replied, “a handful…and they were all on this lake.”  She’s a smart ass alright, but her point was made.  But there was my kid, being flung too and fro, suspended from this very fast boat by a peice of dental floss.  Its a bit scary.  He made it, though.  He’s still alive.

And, he’d go back there in a heartbeat.  it was the best time of his life, indeed.

Holden was back there Running His Mouth the entire time he was speeding over those bumpy waters.  I said to the crew, “He’s a superhero.  He’s out there talking to Mission Control.  He’s fighting bad guys, I know thats what he’s talking about!”

Sure enough, this kid falls off, we go fish him out of the lake and he gets on board saying, “…and there’s these bad guys called Waveys, and I’m like in Outer Space ‘cept its under water, and there’s blodgers, but not like in Harry Potter…”

I knew it!  I love this kid for his imagination!

I tried with the tubing, and I had fun, for sure!  But.  Yeah, not so much did my body.  For it is achy in places that I would never have thought would get achy from tubing.  Like my breasts.  Why?  I can barely lift my arms up.  Gah.  The pain.  Plus I have a nifty bruise on my thigh from being flung and bounce over the water when my dear BH fell of the tube we were on together.  Good stuff.

At least those kind of bruises are good for telling people that your husband beats you.  At least I have a lie to tell. 

I’m not lying (okay, I’m just gonna be straight with y’all, and let you know that first?  I spelled it lieing…) when I tell you that I have not had a cigarette in a whole week.  I am not even messing around with this quitting thing.  AND?  Nor have I killed anyone in that week.  I am batting 1.000*, friends!

And, to top it all off, we are walking every night after dinner.  I know, right?  Erin is probably going to stop talking to me altogether now.

Here’s where I’m going with all this health business:  I want to go organic.  Ish.  And, my complaint is that its so expensive.  Yet, I have no problem paying four thousand dollars for a pack of smokes.  Makes no sense to me.  AND, if I buy organic foods which are suppose to be better for you, the environment and the world, yet still smoke, what sense does this make?  None, thats what kind.

So, I’m just trying to put my organic carrots where my cigarettes were.

Yeah.  The walks…we go as a family, and Dharma dog comes too.  Except we are like the worlds worst dog owners, and we’ve never taken her to training, and she is a horrible walker.  She pulls, and its just miserable.

So I bought a halti.  If you don’t agree with these methods, just shut yer pie hole, cuz I don’t give a rat’s patootie what you think about them.  Tonite was our first walk with it, and while Dharm tried her hardest to shake it off her face, it was the most relaxed walk I’ve had with this pooch.  Soon she will learn, and then I will not make her wear it on walks anymore.  If it makes you feel any better, I gave her a scoop of ice cream afterwards, as a treat.  And, holy cripe, if you are one of those people who don’t believe in giving your dog treats: again, with the shutting of your yapper.

So basically, “Jen!  What have you been doing lately?”
“Oh, me?  Well, I’ve been putting the smack down on some bad habits, bitches!”

*Thats “a thousand”  BH didn’t think you’d understand the reference.

I certainly hadn’t counted on BOTH of my loyal readers to take me back with such open arms!  I thought that you would make me work for it a little more…grovel or something!  (I heart you, and your Irish husband!!)

I quit smoking.  Again.  This totally blows.  I told my boss that I cannot work for her and quit smoking at the same time.  She asked if this was her problem.  I said no, no its not. 

I told my husband to PLEASE please PLEASE!!!! have a little sympathy for a sister!!  Quit trying to incite a riot outta me by being that way!

You know what I mean…when they like say “hi” and stuff?  GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD, that just really Pisses. Me. Off.  Gah.

So….yeah.  Thats pretty much been my week.  Not smoking and trying not to hurt people.

I’m quitting the smoke not because my mother died of cancer.  She didn’t get cancer from smoking..Christopher Reeves wife got lung cancer and never smoked a day in her life.  So, yeah, I’m of the mindset Smoke, or Don’t…somethings gonna kill you.  Die happy, right?  I’m quitting because Holden hates it, and he’s just getting to that age where I can’t hide from him anymore.  He knows what cigarettes smell like.  He asks to smell my breath.  HES ON MY FRIGGIN BACK PEOPLE, AND I WANT HIM OFF!!

I’ve never smoked around him.  Don’t smoke in the house or in my car when he’s in it with me.  But, last year at school they talked about drugs and nicoteen is amidst the drugs of which they speak.  Bah.  So one time this kid catches me smoking and he’s on me like white on rice.  Im sick of running.  Im a grown ass woman!

Plus, I want to outlive BH and reap the benefits of his life insurance policy.  He doesn’t smoke.  Quit the day after we got married.  Makin’ me look bad, the bastard.

I quit cold turkey, too, friends.  Yes.  And, perhaps I’m thinking this was not the brightest idea.  There may be some mint nicorette in my future.

Though, this whole thing has me drinking a lot of water.  Everytime I want to smoke, I drink eight ounces of water all at once.  I’m water logged, but smoke free!  Yay quitting!!

Another benefit of quitting?  Well, dears, I want to eat a whole package of oreos.  And, I do.  Eat them I mean.  With any luck, I’ll have gained forty two hundred lbs. by the end of this week.  Yayyyyyyy quitting.

Everything gets under my skin and I want to kill it.  Especially all the stuff that gets under my skin anyway.  Like those effing mosquitos.  I haaaaaaaaaaate those Effing Mosquitos.  And, printers.  WHY do they get jammed?  Why?  To piss me off is why.  And, staples.  MAN if they aren’t spawn of the devil.  And, husbands.  Ack!  Yay quitting!!!!!!!

I always used to use the excuse that nobody likes a quitter.  I still think that rings true.  I don’t even like me.

Yay.  Quitting.

Thbbbt.

I recently received an emial from a childhood friend mentioning that she had started a blog.  It was at that point it occurred to me that I too have one.  And, I thought perhaps I should go write in it.  Okay, really?  I thought, OH HELL NO!  IIIIIIII have a blog.  I WILL NOT BE USURPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously.  If you were married to my husband you would understand my fierce competative nature.  Not that this is about winning (really, Kir…its not!!  Glad your here!  Glad to have you aboard.  Remember when we wrote that book?  And got in trouble for saying “shit” in it?).  Anyway, its going to take me a while to get back my two faithful readers.  I understand that.  I’ll do the work.  I’m not a slacker.

SO here it is in a nutshell, death, jobless, spiritually spent.  O God?  Where are you?  O job?  Where hast thou gonest??  O woe.  Alack, alas, and all that completely selfish CRAP!!

And, by the time I had gotten over that heap, that thing happened, where too much has happened.  You know?  And, you look at the page totally helpless like?  Yeah.  So I gave up, cuz I’m a big fat giver upperer.

Then, I read a book which in a round about kind of way lead to my Spiritual Awakening (it was a LONG round about way, I won’t bore you.) and thusly my need to put on the paper what is in the head.  And, also my best friend Christen had a lot to do with this because, God bless her if she isn’t my sound board!

Long story short (too late): Hi God!!  Hi part time job which I am very thankful for because it allows me to be at home with my little man after school, plus my boss is FRIGGIN HILARIOUS, and a little crazy but I like it, I love it, I want some more of it!  Hi…well, still hi Death, but you are no longer sucking me dry!

Like Christen says, We all are crazy and the sooner we all figure that out, the better we’ll be.