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I was shopping in the Walmarts today and I drooled on myself.  I’m not really sure how in the hell that one happened, but it did.  One minute I’m bending over to pick up some Cheezits, and the next, I’m slurping spittle back into my mouth.  What’d you expect me to do?  Spit on the Walmarts floor?  I spit on YOU!!

I bought my Gramma one of those new Tickle Me Elmo gadgets for Christmas.  It will tickle ME watching her tickle HIM!  Trust me.  This gift will be killer.

I also bought my mom a locket.  She has bought her daughters lockets and will put her picture in them and we will get them when she’s gone.  This is morbid.  It makes my skin crawl, I’m not gonna lie.  I didn’t really know what to buy her for Christmas.  So I decided to get her a locket and put a picture that I really love of the two of us in it.  I will then bury it with her.  And, I also told this story to the jewelry counter girl at the Walmarts.  Had she not made me stand there so long waiting for her to acknowledge me while she tried on a myriad of watches, I wouldn’t have bothered telling the story.  But, she pissed me off, and I wanted to make her pay.  Nothing like a little dose of death to do the trick.

The locket is silver with a pink rosy thing on it and its engraved with “forever in my heart”.  I think this, also, will be a stellar gift.  I’m on a roll.

And, with nothing really to segue into this:  My dog really likes to dominate.  If you are sitting on the couch, she will come and put her paws on either shoulder and just stand there with her chest in your face.  I can’t figure out if she just wants her belly rubbed, or if she wants to play-fight.  Either makes her happy.

I’ve found, recently, that she really likes it when you pretend to bite her while she is pretend biting you.  So, I do it.  Sure, I come out with a mouth full of dog hairs, but she’s having the effing time of her life.  She play-bites my arm, I play-bite hers.  Oh, and you also have to growl.  But, she really doesn’t like a real sounding growl.  If I really growl like her, she looks around to see what in the hell that was.  She likes a fake sounding growl.  So, I do it.

I’m obviously spending way to much time with Dharma.

But, really?  Who could blame me?

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First of all, I know you are out there, okay?  I don’t know who you are, but I know you aren’t a regular, because you read the About Me section.  Say hi.  I will probably then send you something in the mail, because that’s how we do around here.

Second of all, I just got back from volunteering in Holden’s classroom.  Those kids are a trip.  There is this little girl in his class with Down’s Syndrome.  She is the kindest, cutest, funniest kid I know.  She calls me Holden’s Mom.  “Hey, Holden’s Mom,”  she said today, “Are you married?”  I told her I was.  “To who?”  I told her to Mr. Big Hands.  “I’m married too!”  she says with a huge grin.  I asked her to whom, as I was sure she was about to embarrass the hell out of one of the boys at her table.  “To my baby!” was her reply.  And then I got the biggest hug I’ve gotten in a long time.  I love that kid. 

There are a lot of characters in his class.  The teacher was stopping every two and a half minutes to shush a kid, or whisper in ears to be quiet and focus, or to stop the whole class and count to five before she erupted. Fun stuff!  So glad I’m home…where its quiet!!

Third of all, here’s why I’m actually posting:  I have stack of books that Mean Something To Me.  Everywhere I’ve ever moved, these books go in the bookshelf first.  Its the very first thing I do in a new place; put up bookshelf, find perfect place for the books that I love.  We may not have anything to EAT on unpacked, but dammit, my bookshelf looks gorgeous.  At this time, I would have liked to have put actual pictures of my bookshelf up, but alas, I cannot figure out how to make them go from camera, to computer.  I am a moron, I know.  Big Hands will have to help me when he gets home.

So, here is the stack of books okay, so I feel like I really have to interupt myself to tell you that I just got a fresh cup of coffee, and took a drink.  This coffee was so hot, that literally, I just opened up my mouth and let the coffee spill from my burned mouth to my hardwood floor.  It hurt, okay?  My mouth has been stripped of many layers of Mouthness.

Okay, so here HERE is the stack of books (in no particular order):

The Effects of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds by Paul Zindel
This is actually a play.  But, I love to read plays.  I read this in the summer of 1994.  I have some friends who live in a barn in Traverse City, Michigan.  This is still during my hippie stage, and every Friday after work my friend Margie and I would travel three hours and fifteen minutes to TC to spend a glorious weekend hiking and getting stoned.  I found the book in the barn’s loft, and sat an read it in like two hours.  I have always wanted to direct this play, or at least, to see it on stage.  Its moving and sad and easy to relate to if you are a human.  And, if you grew up in a dysfunctional household (as we always say, “we put the ‘fun’ in dysfunction!!”).

Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger
Duh.  Who hasn’t read this book?  I read it during the summer of 1999.  While I was pregnant for Holden.  Der.  BH really wanted to name our kid after this kid in his favorite book.  While I had read Franny and Zooey, I had never read Catcher.  So I did, and I thought, “Oh, gad.  I hope my kid doesn’t turn out like this.  SO really, this book is only in the stack because its Big Hand’s favorite book, and I don’t like to leave him out.

Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
I love this book.  I read it my first year in college, so that would have been 1993/4.  If nothing else, I learned to pray without ceasing.  Or try to.  I am not sure if I completely missed the mark, but that’s what I got out of it.  Also, everything sucks and you can’t fix everything, so you might as well make the best out of it, and just be the best you you can be.  Again; no idea if that’s what Salinger was trying to say.  He was probably being waaaay more philosophical, but, hey.  I’m just a person, I ain’t no stinkin’ philosopher. 
This is my Favorite Book of All Time and the only book I have ever read more than once.

Dicey’s Song by Cynthia Voigt
I read this book when I was still going by “Jenny”.  I’m pretty sure I was like 11 or twelve.  My grandmother bought me this book at the Community News Store which was a bookstore that I LOVED.  It no longer exists.  I got the book for getting straight A’s.  Because I was smart as a whippersnapper, I was.  They made this book into a stupid made for tv movie and it blew. 

Sunshine by Norma Klein
I would have given you a link, but they all suck.  Its a book based on a movie based on some journals of Jacquelyn Helton.  I read this when I was 16.  Totally stole it from my cousin Heather.  This book will make you cry if you are a human.  And by cry, I mean weep.

The Women’s Room  by Marilyn French
Hmmm….I think I was 21 when I read this.  If you are a woman, you should read this.  I am not a Women’s Lib kind of gal, but man! if I didn’t feel empowered after reading this!!!  I immediately broke up with my boyfriend because he didn’t take me seriously.  I have no idea if he actually took me seriously or not.  He looked like Grizzly Adams. 

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
HA!  I can’t for the life of me remember the rape scene in this book!  Apparently I need to re-read it, for I have no idea anymore why its in my stack.  But, it wouldn’t be there if it didn’t make me feel something and I gather that something was to never conform.  But, again, no idea.  Its real thick, though.  Maybe its in the stack because its so big, and I conquered it!

Mister God, This Is Anna by Fynn
I can’t remember where I got this book.  I think it was at a garage sale.  I touched my heart.  Of course, I’m pretty easy when it comes to heart touching.  You know that Kleenex commercial where the people are sitting on the couch and talking to the random stranger?  I cry every single time I see that commercial.  Every single time.  I like to cry, okay?  If you like to cry, and are looking for something to believe in, read this book.

Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury
I love Bradbury.  At the same time I hate Science Fiction.  Somehow, Bradbury never put me off, though.  Once I found him, I could not stop reading him.  I also love the ’20s and ’30s.  I also love coming of age stories.  I also love crying.
I started reading this book when I was a sophomore in high school, but never got around to finishing it until the summer before my sophomore year in college.  I think that was fate.  Reading that book that summer was when I needed to read it.  I could go on and on about that summer, but I’ll save that for a later date.

Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman
Whenever Dead Poets Society came out is when I picked up Uncle Walt.  Whenever I’m feeling down or lonely, I just read Whitman.  ***I just found a list of things I wanted to do before I died folded up in this book!  I was just able to cross out 3 more things.  Now, all I have to do is model and meet Sylvester Stallone!  Ha!  What a trip!***

Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo
I found this book in BH’s room in the house that he lived in before we moved in together.  I read this while we were still in loooooove.  And, by that I mean having sex every 14 or so minutes.  And, we wonder how in the world we got pregnant…
I am by no means a Peacenik.  Though, when I was young, I thought I’d grow up to be one.  I’m not a war monger either.  I am Switzerland.  Me likey the fence. 
When I read this book, my stomach turned.  My eyes were wet while reading most of it, and I do not think I could even read it now, during a war.  I think my heart would break.  More than it already has.

In Our Time by Hemmingway, and I don’t mean Muriel
The End Of Something and A Very Short Story are two of my favorite stories by Hemmingway.  I think Papa was a drunken ass, but I love Nick, okay?  And, you can’t help but BE in a Hemmingway story when you read one.  Maybe YOU can, but I can’t.  He’s just one of those authors that has always put me IN the story. 

Okay, Ducks.  That’s the lesson for today.  This is the most I’ve written in God Knows how long.  If you read it all, you’re a real pal!

There is a stranger in my house, ladies.  And it is large.  And it is trying its damnest to impose itself upon me.  It is 46 inches.  And flat.  And, have I mentioned that its ginormous?  Because it is. 

While watching this brand spanking new television, procured at 5am on Black Friday at Circuit City by my Dear BH, I think to myself, “I never realized Tyra is so enormous!”  Then I realize that it could be, I mean quite possibly it is that its just the gigantitude of the television itself, and perhaps, just maybe, Ms. Banks breasts are actually NOT the size of watermelons.  But they really probably are.

So now, this morning, now that everyone is gone back to work and back to school, I sit here in the computer/game room where we’ve moved the old tv into.  The normal sized telly.  The one that makes those models look small.  Just like me.  And,  I’m watching that television, secretly feeling like I’m being ungreatful for the Big One.  Though, in reality, having two tvs is going to be great for those Sundays when its nothing but Football.  I can come in here with a clean conscious and watch replays of The Hills.  Or Real World.  Or Gilmore Girls.  The options are endless, really.  Truly a Christmas Miracle!

I was NOT ungreatful yesterday, however.  We live in an older neighborhood.  I love this place.  It is comfortable and friendly and woodsy.  Though, I do hate that its so woodsy.  Especially when that means that I have to rake all the woodsy leaves.  I hate raking.  I also hate our behind-us-neighbor.

Last year while doing some yardwork, our lovely 102 year old neighbor, let’s just call him Bob (because that’s his name), came over to the fence to tell us that he was happy that we were out there “cleaning up this mess” because he was “sick of looking at it”.  Way to make friends, Bob.  He also told us that our compost was to close to his fence (we told him to get composted), and that there were some sticks in our yard touching his fence (bite us, Okay Bob).

Yesterday, oh yesterday!  We were raking (ugh) and you know how leaves get all stuck up in the fence and pile up and you have to rake them without constantly getting the rake stuck in the fence?  Yeah.  Bob was also out in his yard and he came over to the fence.  BH and I looked at each other like what now?  Bob says, “Hey!  I got this big blower, and how’s ’bout I blow along the fence and then that’ll blow my leaves AND your leaves out from the fence?”  My jaw dropped.  I put on my best I Like You smile and said, “Oh that would be great, Bob!  Thank you so much!”

And, he did it.  And, it was beautiful.  It did actually make my job easier.  Bob helped me.  He did not put on his mean face and yell at us.  It truly is the holidays!  Christmas miracles all ’round!!  I’m making that dude some snickerdoodles!!

One thing I’m NOT making these days is coffee.  Okay well I am making coffee, but I’ve had to employ the boil-water-and-pour-over-grounds method, as my coffee maker decided to take a powder on Sunday morning.  A day that will forever be remembered by me as The Saddest Morning Ever.  At least I have coffee, though, so Christmas Miracle it is.

We put our tree up on Thanksgiving Eve, and we’ve been able to watch both Christmas Vacation AND A Christmas Story.  ‘Tis the Season.

AND, I received a package containing a beautifully knitted warm-n-cozy pink pink pink scarf!!  Lovingly knitted by my pal SuperBlond.  Yet another Christmas Miracle!

Thank you, Puddin’.  It kept me oh, so warm-n-cozy yesterday!!

And, I’m lovin’ it!

So, I actually won a little contest over here.  If you know me, you will think this is funny, because she totally hit my nail on its head.  And, it felt goooooood.

You should know, though, that I only won this contest because I got a hint from another commentor, who, if she had thought about it a little longer, would have gotten it herself.  So thank you Khurston, because I never win anything and I like to win things, even if it is only Chuck Klosterman and the Flaming Lips.  Two things I absolutely adore.  Also, I like secret jokes between friends.  This makes me snicker.  And, also?  I would TOTALLY make out with Corey Feldman, given the opportunity.  He is, and always will be, my favorite of the the CoreysDream a Little Dream is one of my all time favorite movies.  I am obviously easily impressed.

SPEAKING OF MOVIES…Have you seen Knocked Up?  Holy crap.  I thought this movie was hilarious.  As a matter of fact, I am chuckling to myself right now just thinking about it.  BH didn’t like it.  I think you have to have been knocked up to think this movie is funny.  It doesn’t help being the Knocker Upper; only to have been the Knocked Uppee.  It was like watching my life except Big Hands isn’t a Charmingly Chubby Pot Head.  BH said, “that would never happen.” when Beautiful Girl sleeps with Affable Guy.  To which I replied, “hey.  I slept with you.

On another completely different note…I wish that I understood Dog.  Because then I might know what Dharma is saying to me right now.  I swear to God she has been sitting at my feet yawing on and on, and nothing I do is appeasing her.  She’s not hurt, I know that.  I think she wants me to play, but is refusing to go get a toy.  This dog is spoiled.  In the bad way.  She is a brat.  I bought two pumpkin cream cheese scones at Great Harvest yesterday so that I might enjoy them this morning.  At some point, however, my dog got up on the counter and ate them.  I wanted to kill her, I swear.  And somehow, I blamed this on myself for setting them close enough for her to reach.  Spoiled.  I cannot tell you how many sticks of butter I have lost to this animal.  Man, but if she ain’t cute, though.  I’m trying to teach her to say “I love you”.  I really think I can do it, too.  She’s a very verbal Doggie Doodle.

ALSO!  I have a new new email address.  Not to be confused with my new OLD email address.  If you would like it, and I would in turn, like to give it to you, either comment here or email me and I will share with you my super cool new email address which I got because my son wants me to be cool like him.  This will be hard, but I will try.  Im just that kind of mother.

Now I totally have Modest Mouse stuck in my head.  But, that’s okay because I really like that band, but not as much as I love you.

Erin asked me the other day if I had someone to vent to.  And, I do.  Her name is Christen and she has been my best friend for 25 years.  I even count the eight years we did not speak to one another.  Thats just how good of a friend Chris is.

She knows all the Bad Things about me; she even knows the ones that she doesn’t know.  You know?  One of those kinds of best friends.    And, I tell her everything.  The best part about Chris, is that she is honest with me no matter what.  She doesn’t beat around the bush and try to be tactful.  I like that about her.  But, I don’t like that in most people, so don’t even try it.

Chris lets me talk about my mom, and then she just lays it on the line.  Because she knows that I know that she knows that I know.  You know?  Yeah.  Its like that with us.

Though, we did try to go to college (and thusly ROOM together) and that almost broke the deal.  Do not try to live with your best friend in college, okay?  Because there’s a good chance that she’s probably a better person than you are, and your destructive behavior will make her feel like she needs to protect you from yourself and that will just make you hate her, because you WANT to destruct yourself just a little, and then you might not talk for a couple of years after that, and that’s just wasteful of your time.

Also, do not take it personally when your best friend gets married and forgets that anyone exists except her husband.  Do not decide that Fine Then, you won’t talk to her EITHER, so HA!  Because then she will miss out on the birth of your son.  And, then you will miss out on the birth of HER first child, and then, she will also miss out on your wedding (but that part is okay, because most people missed out on your wedding…and that was on purpose).  It will be six years later and that is also incredibly wasteful of your time.

But, know that even after all those years, your true best friend will be able to just pick it up where you left off and absolutely no explainations need to be made. 

And you will have her over for lunch and feed her grilled cheese and tomato soup and yummy cookies and you will both bad mouth your husbands and talk about what kind of brats you are raising.  And you will love her.

Even though her new baby boy pooped all over your off-white sofa.

I just finished helping my mom file for social security benefits.

Golly!  I can’t wait til its MY turn to file.  Hopefully by then they will have made the process even MORE rhetorical.

Im not going to do this often.  This More Than One Post a Day thing.  Because, I would post every time I sneezed and share this with you, but who wants to read all that crap?

HOWEVER…I just spent the last three hours raking and I hate raking.  Raking bites and if the military is looking for more forms of cruel and unusual punishment, have the bad guys come rake my yard.  No really.  Do it.

HOWEVER…I DID use my husband’s leave sucky uppy thing, and it made me feel like a Firefighter except without the hose and the fire.  If you were watching me suck up the leaves you would have thought to yourself, “what is wrong with that girl and her perpetual grin whilst sucking uppy the leaves?”  And, your question would be answered with this, “That leaf sucky uppy thing is AWESOME!”

The raking?  It blows.  The Sucky Uppy with the Leaves?  It sucks.  But in a good way.

I’ve just finished filing for unemployment.  This is no easy feat.  They ask you questions that don’t really make any sense.  Open ended questions that you could really have like 42 answers to.  They asked what my gross income was for the last “period” of employment for my previous employer.  I’ve worked for this company for almost 10 years.  Do they really want my gross income for the last 10 years?  I HOPE they wanted the last YEAR, because thats what I gave ’em.  My mom said thats what they want, so here’s hoping.

I was just actually speaking to my previous employer on the phone.  She asked if I was enjoying myself.  I said yes.  She asked me not to hold anything back.  We laughed.  I said this gives me a lot of opportunity to do a lot of different things.  But, its not exactly conducive to getting my creative juices flowing.  I have tons of ideas in my head, but haven’t actually put anything to paper. 

I have to finish my youngest brothers scrapbook because my mom can’t do it.  I have to finish it for his graduation in June.  Its almost done, so I don’t see any real problem in getting it finished.  Also, my mom gave me all of her scrapbooking goodies so that’s a bonus.  I guess.  I told BH the other day that I always hated that my mom has so much Stuff, but part of me always wanted some of that stuff, and now that its mine, I feel awful.

My mother wants me to have all her crafting supplies.  They are minion, my Friends.  You have no idea.  And, I’m not particularly “crafty” though I am “artsy” so I can make it work.  But getting all this stuff (which I will immediately pare down to a manageable size) doesn’t feel as good as if I had gotten it for Christmas or my birthday or something.  I’m getting it, because a) she doesn’t have the strength in her right arm to do anything, and b) because she won’t be around to use it.  If I gave it a lot of thought, it would depress me, so I just don’t really think about it a lot. 

Thats not to say that I’m not thinking about it at all.  But, I’m thinking about it internally!  Oh yeah!  Thats how Mama Deals With Things.  I keep it all inside.  You know.  Until it starts oozing out of my skin in the form of eczema which is AWESOME.  And, its also on my palms which is equally AWESOME.  And, also there was a migraine the other night.  I haven’t had one of those since I got pregnant (that was the best part of getting knocked up and subsequently ginormously huge and fat and disgusting…my lifelong affliction with the migraine just poof went away).

So yeah.  There’s that.

You want ME in a crisis.  I am levelheaded and task oriented.  I shine in a crisis.  Keeping it all together, and most importantly IN, just give me something to look forward to.  And, that, my little Ducks, is Therapy.  Can’t wait.

Really though.  The secret to my coping mechanism is simple as this: It is well with my soul. (sorry for the crappy  site.  It really IS the best I could do.  Hymns are just not “cool”!!)

Okay.  So there’s only one extra.  But Holden is becoming increasingly irritated with her.  She is my four year old neice, Maya.  She is four.  Four, okay?  You nasty little eight year old.  If I hear, “Oh.  My.  GOSH.  UGH.” one more time, I swear I am going to stick my entire foot down my own throat.  Why would I do that?  I dunno.  Sounds more painless than hearing my eight year old get all frustrated with Maya.  Who, as I have mentioned, is four.

I went to my mom’s today.  I went there to pack up all of her “work clothes” that she wants to donate to a battered women’s shelter.  The thing I have to tell you about my mom is that she is a Buyer.  Like nothing else on earth will satiate her unless she is buying Stuff.  Before, it was clothes.  Now, it is crap from QVC.  For us.  Yay.

But, back to the packing…My other neice, who is nine, lives with my my folks, and her bedroom is in my mom’s “clothes room”.  This room used to be filled with racks and racks of work clothes until Chloe moved in.  We weedled them down a bit and put the remaining clothes in the WALK IN CLOSET in this room.  Along with EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD.

So, I packed up the clothes and then I set to cleaning this room out for Chloe.  Heaven help me, I started working on this room at 9am, and finally finished at 5pm.  No lunch break.  “Laid Off” my ass.

I swear to God, I threw away no less than 10 tote bags that Mom was keeping Just In Case.  The things I threw away…If I told you, you’d be disgusted.  I am disgusted.  I am not a Keeper.  I am a Throw Awayer.  And, I cannot deal with Gluttony.  I just can’t.

Nonetheless: the room is clean.  8 hours worth of clean. 

I’d much rather do it now, than later, too.  We still need to go clean out her office.  I am not looking forward to this.  That will be like 20 YEARS of crap to clean.

Do not get me wrong, here…I know I sound so crass.  But, I will never remember my mom by the Stuff that she had, or the inordinate amounts of Stuff that she gave me.  Getting rid of so much of the things that my mom identified herself with was very hard.  I had a breakdown in the middle of the closet.  But, Stuff does not a person make.  I try very hard to let her know that every time I see or talk to her.  I will remember her so many other things.  Gluttonous nature aside.

In other news, Holden is learing My Favorite Things in music class.  I cannot tell you how much this pleases me.  We have been singing it all night long.  My son has the voice of a thousand angels, I tell you.

tap, tap.  Hey, Internets, Its me Jennifer.  You still out there?

GAAAAAAAAAAD.  The cable guy just left my house.  I had to hold myself back from making mad passionate love to him for giving my connection to the Outer Limits back to me.  Funny thing?  I went to high school with the cable fixer guy.  Thanks, Matt.  YOU are a peach.

I don’t know where to start.  Its been so long, so I’ll start now, and go backward.

FIRST GROUPING OF THOUGHTS

The conversation I had with my husband last night went something like this:

Me: Did you read that Herman Hesse book Demian?
BH: Yeah.  I used to be really into Hesse (except he pronounces it right…)  Didnt you ever read Sidhartha?
Me: No.
BH:  REALLY????
(and then he really just goes on and on about how that book is a classic, and I tell him that I didnt read a lot of the classics until I was much older, and really, I dont like the classics all that much.  I even really almost HATE Dickens with all his blathering and dreariness.  With this he agrees with me wholeheartedly…but STILL!  How could I, an avid reader, NOT have read these books??!!  Oh the agony.  Oh the humanity!  And, while I have all this time, I really should go to the library and read every book ever written which he considers “great”.)
Me: Yeah.  I dont really like Borrowing books.  Not really my style.
BH:  WHAT?  OMG.  HOW DID I EVEN MARRY YOU?  I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU HATE THE LIBRARY.
Me:  Huh?  I dont “hate” the library.  I just…what if I LIKE the book?  What if I LOVE it?  I cant keep it!  Id have to go buy it and then never re-read it, and there it would sit on the bookshelf unloved!  Plus, I dont really like the time constraints. 
BH:  THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE!  UNACCEPTABLE!!  DEATH TO ALL TYRANTS!!!
Me: Books are like a photo album to me.  The books that I keep, I can remember all parts of them, and have left a good chunk of my soul in each one.  I can remember how I felt after finishing every one of those books on my bookshelf.  I like that about reading.  Like when I read Johnny Got His Gun for the first time…I read it in one day while I was laying in YOUR bed waiting for you to get home from class/work.  I bawled.  Its a keepsake.
BH:  YOU ARE WEIRD!  CALL A SHRINK!!! 
Me: Bah.

Okay, so some of the words in this presentation have been changed to protect the innocent (i.e. me), but really.  He did get all worked up because I’ve never read 1984.  And, okay.  I DO want to read it, I just havent yet.  Cripe, buddy!  Has he ever read the complete works of Shakespeare?  Or just one work?  Or ee cummings?  Or Leaves of Grass?  Yeah, no.  So shove it.   

SECOND GROUPING OF THOUGHTS

I AM reading Demian by Hermann Hesse right now (because I finished Killing Yourself to Live by my one and only, Chuck Klosterman.  Really Chuck.  Lets you and I get together…I mean, Im done with the drugs and all, but we could really be friends).  And, already, Ive found a few sentences that spoke to me.  They are as follows:

I do not consider myself less ignorant than most people.  I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question the stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me.”

And this immediately made me think of my own Christianity.  Which is kind of funny if youve read the book, but will be completely UNfunny, if you have no background info.  But its not ha-ha funny, more of a a-ha type funny.

Essentially, the above quote IS me.  This is the reason why I am such a believer.  And, I dont just mean God, either.  I mean everything.  I do still seek, but there is just so much to know, I find that if I let my soul do the walking, I learn so much more.  And, thusly, can accept so much more, because my heart is open.  Wide open.  Thank God, too.  Because I honestly do not know if I could get through all this hell with my mom if I didnt have faith.

I remember having so much more to say about that, but, I think Im done there; lest I get too verbose.

THIRD GROUPING OF THOUGHTS, MOSTLY ALL ABOUT DISNEY.

What a blast we had!  Everyone always asked how my mom did.  She was FINE.  We wheeled her around everywhere.  She road Splash Mountain, and we got in a lot of the rides a hell of a lot sooner as we, as a whole…thanks to mom, were “handicapped”.  HOWEVER, my father should have had a wheelchair!

My mom and dad had to drive since her Doctors wouldn’t allow my mother to fly.  Somewhere in Kentucky, Daddio took a spill.  It was slippery, see.  And, Dad was wearing his Crocs.  Let me interrupt myself here by saying, My dad is a bit eccentric.  You dont see many 60 year old men wearing Crocs.  You also dont see very many 60 year old men wearing knee lenghth leather tie up moccasins either, but this does not stop my dad.  See, he is part Indian (the feather kind), and he likes to “hunt silently like his People”.  Thus, the mocs.  And as for the Crocs?  I just dont know…But anyhoodle, he fell and hurt his hip.  He limped around all four Disney parks.  God bless him.  And, would NOT get a chair.  Because (here we go again) he was sitting in my mothers chair once when she was inside a store, and “a damn vet saluted me.  I was so embarrased, I dont need a damn chair with people saluting me.”  Why did the damn vet salute him, you ask?  How could the damn vet possibly have known that my dad was a damn vet, too?  Why that is because he wears a hat with VIETNAM VETERAN on the front with every imaginable pin commemorating every MIA, POW, Purple Heart whathaveyou.  Der, dad.  I think youve kind of earned the right to be saluted every once in a while.

Disney really is a magical place, though.  Even Big Hands had a great time.  I believe the word to use is “happy”.  It really gave me hope that his inner child is not as buried as I had thought he was.

Holden had fun, the cousins had fun, the Nana and the Papa had fun, the Greats had fun, the uncles and aunts had fun.

Rained every damn day, but what are ya gonna do?

THE LAST GROUPINGS OF THOUGHTS SOME OF WHICH WILL DEPRESS YOU

Ive been home for a week now.  During the day.  Home!  The laundry is almost done which was my project for the day.  The floors are shiny, the dust is dusted, the bathrooms have been sprayed.  I love this staying home thing.  Its the most awesomeness ever.

I am going to my moms about twice a week (or that is the plan anyway).  She is getting rid of things, which is depressing if you think about it, so I choose not to.  Hospice came in and we got all signed up for that.  She is well, though.  She is good.  She is still free to roam about at her leisure.  She just wont roam for very long.  Or…maybe she will.  Who knows.  We are all just trying to do what we can.  Be by her side.  Take her wherever she wants to go.  Talk about death for longer periods of time than we would like…whatever makes her happy.

Im just a seeker, here, trying to listen to the teachings my blood whispers to me.