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Initially?  I thought that this would be the place that I would grieve the most.  But, its become apparent that I don’t do public grief.  There have been a handful of times where I have sat right here and started writing, and then just completely lost the will to hit “publish”.  Don’t take it personally.  I haven’t been publishing anything lately.  I have been too busy watching reruns of Roseanne.  A show, which I may add, my mother never ever let us watch.  It was too “vulgar” said she.  Say I?  I think it hit too close to home.  Because if my family were a sitcom it would definitely be Roseanne.  I don’t know which kid would be whom, but I know Dan is my dad and Rosie is my mom, for sure.

But, when I really sit down and think of it, the real reason I have not been here is because then I would feel like I have to apply for jobs and write up my resume.  Daunting.  Having had the same job for 10 years, and having gotten that job on sheer personality (I was wearing a short black skirt…will get you the job everytime…as long as you are 21), it really goes without saying that I haven’t needed a resume for a really long time.

And, when I think of why I don’t want to do the aforementioned, it is because I haven’t really wanted to Move On.  Not that I have been stymied by my grief; as I mentioned, I don’t really do grieving.  That is not to say I haven’t cried into my pillow a few nights, but in general, I’m really okay.  I’m okay-er than the others in my family (my father) who has chosen to hole himself up in his bat cave and frown all the time.  AND I KNOW, okay?  I know that everybody is different and everybody has to Get Over Things in their own time.  But, in my head I say, Stuff it, okay?  Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Ole Boy.  Go to work and make Mama proud.

Enough of all that.

What I’m trying to say is that I do so appreciate all the kind words.  I really do.  And all the olive branches that I have so ignored over the past couple of weeks.  Especially the ones from you and you.  You know who you are.  I love you dearly, and honestly, I haven’t been ignoring you.  I’ve just been ignoring everybody because, obviously, I am a selfish prick.  One of my favorite lines from Dead Poets Society is “Oh!  We’re not laughing at you.  We are laughing near you.”  That’s just how its been.

So.  With that said, I’m going to a) do my effing stupid resume and then b) play catchup at reading all my favorites.

And since Erin writes like four hundred times a week, this is going to take me some time.


My mother passed away on Monday January 28, 2007 at 4:30am.  Its been a very busy week, inside my heart, inside my head, and physically all around me.
I wish everyone could have seen the way my mom died.  I wish everyone could have seen the way my mom lived, because then, the way she died would not have surprised you at all.
It was very clear that God was with her.
On the Saturday before she passed she was very lucid, and she was able to say all the things that she needed to say, and that we needed to hear.

First I think I need to back up and tell you about my family.

My mother married my dad when I was about three.  He has three kids from his previous marriage.  It is important to know that we are all Very Close.  This includes my father’s ex-wife.  She and my mom became best friends.
My parents and my grandparents built a house together when I was a freshman in high school.  My mom’s only brother lives in this house, too.  Its like a duplex with a shared foyer, laundry room and basement.  We are all Very Close.

So, the Saturday before my mom died we were all there.  My dad, his ex-wife, my two older sisters, my two younger sisters, my little brother, my niece, my grandparents and my uncle.  My mom had lots to say to all of us.  We needed that.  She told us kids that she was proud of all of our accomplishments.  She told my dad’s ex-wife that even though it was unconventional, she thought they had done a pretty good job of raising all of us kids. 

In my heart, it is definitely nice to know that I have a Back Up Mother.  Not many people can say that.  Diane has known me ever since my dad has known me.  I was so worried that no one would really know me after my mom passed away.  It was just me and my mom for three years before any body else came around.  She knew all the things about me that I didn’t.  But, I guess, in the long run?  What’s three years?  My Gramma and Papa knew me then, too.  And they are still here.

My mom said this wasn’t the way she thought it was going to be.  She said that she thought it would be different, but this was good.  It was really peaceful.

By Sunday she was pretty exhausted, and I will save you the details, but she couldn’t stay under the pain killers.  She was really restless, and not very coherent.  I was begging God to take her because I could no longer see the point.

I stayed the night at my parent’s house on Sunday.  I will always be thankful that I made that decision.  When she went, my two sisters and I were right there.  And, my brother and my niece.  And my grandparents and my uncle.  It sounds funny to say, but when she finally went…I haven’t felt that kind of peace in two years.

My two older sisters were able to get there within the hour with their mother.  It was so nice to have them all around.

We had her funeral yesterday and over 500 people came.  It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  My sister Miki gave the eulogy and it was so very Good.  My brother Kurtis also got up and spoke and it was really grown up of him.

And I was so proud of myself that I didn’t cry until we got to the cemetary.  But, I got it together pretty quickly there, too.

My poor dad.  I took a mental picture of him at the cemetary.  He told us he needed a minute so we all went back to our cars.  And, there he stood, holding onto Diane.  And then she went back to her car.  And, there he stood.  Alone.  He put two roses in her grave, and I’m sure he said something like, “I’m gonna miss you Booboo.”  And then he started walking back toward us, stopped, and turned around one last time.
I was thankful for my brother in law Nick yesterday.  When he got out of the car and helped my dad finish walking the rest of the way to his car.

I’m going to really miss my mom. 

There are so many times when you think that your parents didn’t teach you anything.  Or how you wish they had been better parents.  But, in the end, it really doesn’t matter what did or didn’t happen because everything you are was because of the way that they were.  Good or bad, you learned how to be you because of them. 

I think I turned out pretty good.  So I guess I must have had a pretty good teacher.