You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2007.

Friends, I have been mislead.  Deeeply mislead.  By one or more people I know, or at least know of.  I think of all the times I have been lead missedly?  This is the biggest one ever.  Which makes me deeply sorrowful.  Jen feels deeply this evening.

For this is the night that I have watched The Holiday.  I watched it even though I was told that it wasn’t worth my time.  I viewed this film thinking it would stink Big Time.  This is what I have to say to those souless scoundrels:

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

I mean really.  Do you have something against Cameron Diaz?  Have you seen The Sweetest Thing?  Do you not like wide smiles and killer bodies?  Do you not like big laughs?

Jude Law?  Is there something wrong with him?  Have you seen his eyes?  You can actually swim in them.  Have you heard him speak?  Your knees will literally melt.

Or is it the Brits in general that you hate, you vile people?  Kate Winslets not good enough for you?  You hate her because shes against air brushing?

It couldn’t possibly be Jack Black.  Because that would be absurd.  Who doesn’t like Affable Chubby guy?  Um.  If he was good enough for Gwyneth Paltrows large ass, he’s certainly good enough for you.

Love?  You hate falling in love?

The only thing left is orphaned children.  And, if you have something against them, you are a bastard, for sure.

I mean, its a movie for goodness’ sake.  People HAVE to fall in love in 90 minutes.  These people are just acting.  Its not really happening.  To fault a movie for Not Being Real Enough is silly.  Movies aren’t real.  Well, unless they are about real stuff, but let us not go there right now, okay?  I’m trying to make a point here.  And that point is:  That movie made my toes warm.  And, anyone who told me not to see it?  Fie on you and a pox!

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Not in the literal sense, but I did have a coupla cocktails while playing Apples to Apples with my fam.  That game is funny enough without alcohol.  Add a little Sparkly?  Everything’s funny.

Christmas went off without a hitch.  My mom is on steroids.  She’s got a touch of the ‘Roid Rage, so that’s a little tough sometimes, but we try to either steer clear and/or Give Her a Break.

Holden got everything he wanted (except an ipod, but I think in his heart he knew he wasn’t getting one anyway).  He’s been spending a lot of time with his DS and his Wizard’s Handbook.  And, he didn’t even want to stay up to watch Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas on Christmas Eve because he “needed to go to sleep so Santa would come!!”  This was a first.

Big Hands loved all of the things he received because, well…he KNEW what he was getting seeing as he made a list and all.

BH got me tickets to see Will Ferrells’s Funny or Die Comedy Tour which will be funny as HELL!  I’m very very excited for this.  The only thing I like more than crying is laughing. He also got me the two books I wanted.  I have already finished Run by Ann Patchett, because Friends?  I don’t mess around.  Finished that sucker last nite, and it was GOOOOD.  It got to be predictable around page 230 but I didn’t mind in the least.  It was a good good story with lots of goodness abounding.

I’ll read Middlesex next, but I’m trying to string it out as long as I can.  If I start it now, I will have it read by tomorrow morning.  So instead I’ll go grocery shopping!!  Yay!  I love grocery shopping!  Really.  I do.  Im not even joking here.  There WILL be tortellini in this house by days end.

I watched The Champ this morning.  Have you ever seen this movie?  I remember watching it with my Gramma when I was a kid.  I remember that it was a tear jerker, but I didn’t remember how MUCH!  This is a movie that you cry from beginning to end.  I was sobbing.  Holden thought there was something really wrong with me.  God Bless you Rick, Don’t Call Me Ricky, Schroder.

BH’s best friend Jay will be in town tonite or tomorrow.  It will be nice to have him here.  I haven’t seen him in two years.  He lives in Vegas.  My husband will be happy, and all will be right with the world.

I’m off to the Walmarts!!  Hope your Christmas was all that you hoped for.

My neice and nephew go to the private school my sisters and I went to when we were growing up.  This school is part of my church.  This is a school I would never ever send my kid to ever.  Ever.

ANYWAY…the kids had their Christmas Program tonite, and it was cute, blah blah blah.  Kids singing is always cute.  What I’m getting at here is that after church, my grandfather leaned down to Holden and said, “Do you like to sing?  Because I heard you singing and you did a really great job Buddy!  I have some song books that I had when I was about your age.  I still have them.  And, I want to give them to you because you are a great singer!”  This touched me.  Everything touches me.  I am a ball of emotion.  And, Holden does have the voice of a thousand angels.  He really does.  I’m not just saying that because he’s my kid.  The kid has a knack for music…

My grampa is 72 today.  I realize how lucky I am to have such a young family.  I’ve only ever known my mom’s parents as my dad’s died long before he ever met my mom.  And, both my Gramma and my Papa are healthy.  Though this whole thing with my mom is really taking a toll on them.

I’ve always called my grampa “Papa”.  Even now that I know better.  Thats just his name.  I can’t help that.  My grandparent’s story is THE typical story of the ’50s.  She was the head cheerleader, he the captain of the football team.  He gave up a scholarship to the University of Michigan to marry my Gramma.  She stayed home with the babies and made Papa’s lunch every morning.  He got a job at GM when you didn’t need a college degree to be an engineer.  Every night when he got home from work she asked him how his day was, dear.  After church at Sunday dinner she would ask him who he talked to this morning, dear.

I wanted to BE them.  I wanted to BE her.  And, I am.  And, I did end up marrying the strong silent type…ish. 

That interaction between my son and his GREAT grandfather was all too precious to me.  I just wanted to get that down for posterity.

When I was shoveling my driveway for THREE EFFING HOURS this morning, a whole slew of thoughts were in my head.  Also, there was a great deal of snot dangling off my nose.  Dont worry.  I wiped it with my glove.  Dont worry.  I bought the gloves at the Dollar Store, so its allllll good.

One of the thoughts was the title to this post.  Though, now that I’m writing, and none of the thoughts are coming back to me, the title seems a bit out of place.  I think there was going to be a lot of effings and such.  Because of the shoveling.  Oh, and there was also going to be a Frosty the Snow BITCH.  But, I’m kind of over my Snow Anger.  A little.  My shoulders are very sore.  I wish we had a fricking snow blower.  That is my one Christmas wish.

I did not make the Gingerbread Men this weekend.  But, I redeemed myself this afternoon, and then my kid totally stood me up on the decorating because he really wanted to watch Inspector Gadget.  Bah Humbug.  I made him decorate two.  Then he was just goofing off and not making faces on these Gingerbread People and I thought they would get pissed off at me for not having noses, and come after me at night whilst I slept, so Inspector Gadget it was.  I put faces on those things, I will tell you that.  And also?  They are Dlishus!  I’ve never made them before, so I am quite proud of myself.

Inside the Actor’s Studio played a 2002 show with Johnny Depp.  I want to crawl into his mouth and swim in his saliva.  I’m not even joking, here.  I actually want to be in his mouth.  I don’t care that he’s not washed his hair in eight years.  This only makes him more attractive to me.  Even though he says “you know?” a lot.  I would make him dress like a pirate and shiver me timbers. 

Perhaps that’s the PG-13 part?

The other night John Cusack was on ITAS.  It was then that I realized I really was in love with Lloyd Dobler, because the actual John Cusack is kinda annoying.

I’m not reading anything right now because I’m getting ready for the motherlode of books that will hopefully be shoved into my stocking for Christmas.  I asked for Run by Ann Patchett and Middlesex by that person who wrote it.  Then when I was at the bookstore the other day, I saw that Dennis Lehane has a new book of shorts that is out, and this made me happy and I immediately called BH at work and told him to get on it. 

As a general rule, I don’t read series.  I don’t want to get involved with the same people over and over.  I’m already married.  But, something about Dennis Lehane makes me want to read every single book Patrick and Angela are in.  And, I don’t even really like crime/suspense or whatever genre these books are.  So, I really want this book. 

While I was at the bookstore, I found Holden this book.  We have most of these books.  Piratology, Wizardology, Dragonology and Fairyopolis.  Oh, and also the Wandmaker.  Holden needed the Wizardology handbook to “complete his course” in becoming a Wizard.  This kid really thinks that he’s going to be a wizard.  I’m all for it.  After he completes his course in Wizardness then he thinks I’m going to allow him to take the wand out of the Wandmaker book and use it.

Listen ducks.  I wanted that Wandmaker book with everything that was in me.  My friend Kellie got it for me for my birthday, and it probably was the greatest gift I’ve ever gotten for my birthday.  Until I realized that there was an actual wand in the back.  NOW, I am a Christian, for sure, but I do believe in majic.  Not the hocus pocus kind, but I believe in powers.  And, I’m just not real sure if I’m a good witch, or a bad witch, and I sure as hell was not going to give that wand a whirl not knowing exactly what kind of powers I have!  Who knows who I would accidentally kill with that thing.

Holden loves that wand, and wants to get it out so bad.  I’m not sure what his powers are either.  In the back of the Wizardology book it says that if you can see yourself right side up in this crystal thingamabob then you are a wizard.  I told Holden when that happens, he can have that wand, for sure.

Seriously.  If that does happen?  I’m getting the hell out of dodge.  Well…First I’ll make him *poof* me a snowblower.  But immediately after; I’m outta dodge fer sure.

Heres whats on the docket today: Breakfast~ Pumpkin Waffles.  I don’t know how they taste yet, but they smell D-lishus!!
Later~ Gingerbread Boys and Girls.  What Holden wants, Holden gets.
Later Still~ Four thousand loaves of Banana Bread.  I am one of those people who puts every single banana in the freezer that looks like it may be too ripe.  I have 10 bananas thawing.  I am going to make the bread for my three neighbors that I like.  I am a nice neighbor lady.

Tonite Holden and BH are going to a MSU basketball game.  HOO HAA!  This will leave me at least three hours of solitude.  Then by the time they get back it will be Holdens bedtime and Big Hands has a show tonite, so POOF! more solitude.

You would think that I would get enough alone time during the week with the kid in school and the husband at work and me unemployed.  But there is something totally special and different about Night Time Aloneness.  Thats the only thing I really miss about being single.

First off, I loved my apartment.  It was crooked and old and the walls leading up to it were covered in shag carpet.  I know.  Nothing could be better.  My Uncle built me bookcase, and it was great.  Mostly because it was hand made and shelved everything I held dear.  My apartment had a golden chair that belonged to my Gramma, a cat, and the tiny tiny tv that my Uncle had in prison (I’ll save that story for later.  Want to get your jowls good and slobbery…).  It had my parents old kitchen table and a guy who lived downstairs that fixed my brakes for me.  It had a window  that went from almost floor to almost ceiling facing the street.  I used to open that window and sit on the floor and smoke cigarettes while watching stuff happen.

At night I would read a book or watch tv or eat a whole loaf of garlic bread…whatever I wanted.  There was a bar within walking distance.

Then I got pregnant and BH moved in.  He ruined that place for me.  All of his stuff all over.  The cozy small apartment became overstuffed and uncomfortable.  Way to go Big Hands.

It all worked out in the end.  I wouldn’t trade this house for that old apartment.  I could have never done all this baking in that old rickety kitchen, but I do miss curling up on that gold chair with my cat and a book, and maybe some Friends on my itty bitty prison television.

Our monitor took a good long piss on us last week.  Now I am looking at one of those gargantuan monitors.  It hurts my head.

My car is making a funny noise.  Now I am driving it very trepidatiously around town.

I may get a job offer today, and I wonder if it will be worth my while.

My freezer is filled with Christmas cookies.  I am one baking Hot Mama.

Since deciding to watch nothing but QVC from now on, my mother has procured for me the following goodies:
1.  Silicone bake ware.  Do you bake on silicone?  You should.  Nothing sticks to those sumbitches.
2.  Two sets of tupperwarish storage bowls.
3.  A set of stone bake ware.  These are the marvelous things.
4.  Some bowls that are made of silicone that are bendy.  I’m not entirely sure what to do with those, but the picture shows that you can pour liquids out of them with ease.  I guess I will be pouring.
5.  All new stainless steel measuring spoons like the pros use.  And, also, measuring spoons.  The spoons even come with “smidge”, “dash”, and “pinch”.  I will tell you that a pinch is a lot more than you thought it was.  I am looking forward to becoming a Measuring Pro.
6.  Porcelain Angel plug ins that smell like vanilla.
7.  A ceramic/iron casserole dish that is a lovely shade of blue-greenish.

My mother will be 50 on Friday.  I am making her an ice-cream cake.  I can do this, now that I have all of the above provisions.

Yes.  You MAY call me Ina.

At first, a typo made my title be “We Have Direct TB” and I almost left it, because Direct TV is a terrible, terrible, devastating disease.  With our package, we have all the movie channels you can imagine for three months: free.  I like movies. 

Since Monday, I have watched Talladega Nights, part of Benchwarmers, Alpha Dog (which BH liked, ha ha, I told him so…), and just now I watched Click.

Click is a sad, sad, wonderful movie.  I love Adam Sandler.  But, only if he is in a semi serious role.  I like those goofy movies that he has been in.  I hate that Hannukah cartoon thing, but I really don’t like cartoon movies unless they are Disney.  But one of my all time favorite movies ever in the whole world is Spanglish.  I will watch that damn movie every single time it is on tv.  It drives my husband nuts.  He does not understand how anyone can like that movie.  Big Hands has no heart.  He feels the same about 50 First Dates, another Adam Sandler movie I heart.  But, that has mostly to do with Drew Barrymore, whom, if I haven’t already mentioned, I would like to play me in the movie of my life.  We look nothing alike, but I love her minus Spike Jonze.  Spike?  Really?  Really???

I also really like Punch-Drunk Love, though one viewing of that bit of cine was enough for me.  Sandler did an awesome job of making me extremely uncomfortable and jittery.  I appreciate the movie, but cannot watch it again.

Another movie I will never watch again: Requiem for a Dream.  Have you seen this?  Do you like to feel utterly depressed?  If yes, then you MUST to see this movie!  No, really.  I think this is a great film.  Beautifully written, acted and executed.  I have never wanted to drown myself more.  I can’t handle that kind of sad.

SO.  Because I know that my lists are the most important, well rounded lists ever, I’m going to give you the Movies That I Have Seen, and Perhaps You May Want to Watch, Too If You Haven’t Already list.  Also?  This is self serving.  When I write these lists, then most of you list some of your faves, and then I usually have some new info, which I like!!

In no particular order:

1. The Royal Tenenbaums I guess I could put every single Wes Anderson movie in this first slot.  I love Wes.  Also see Life Aquatic.  If you want to…I’m no pusher.  But, if you like quirk and Bill Murray, then these films are for you.

2. Dead Poets Society Der.  I’m sure you all have seen this.  Anyway…If you haven’t~hang your head in shame.

3. Magnolia  Ugh.

4. The Believer Do you like Ryan Gosling?  Well, erase from your memory anything you’ve ever seen him in (especially The Notebook, for goodness sake) and watch this film.  If your heart isn’t wrenched out of your body then you are some kind of I don’t know what.  If you thought that American History X was really a powerful film, then The Believer will knock you on your ass.

5. Hannah and Her Sisters  I wouldn’t say that I’m a Big Woody Allen Fan, but I do like most of his movies, this one being my favorite.  I like sloppy, egoistic, Jewishness of all of his main characters (Woody being most of his main characters…).

There are twenty nine hundred more that my mind is just drawing a blank on…So gimme sommu yours and we’ll be even!

The best part of Christmas for me has always been the presents.  Oh.  And, the birth of my Lord and Savior.  But really?  Its the presents.  I appreciate Jesus all the time, not just at Christmastime.  So let us back to the presents, okay?  Good.

My mother always had the canny ability to store things in her head for a later date.  By the time Christmas came around, I had forgotten that I wanted, no! needed a long fuzzy black sweater…but not my mom!  Every year there always seemed to be that one gift that I absolutely, positively could not live without.  Well, there always seemed to be the 458 gifts…my mom has no breaks.  I never needed to make her a list, she always just seemed to know.

Big Hands is the same way.  Some girls marry their Daddy; I married my Mom.  BH is a great GREAT GREAT gift giver, and he also has no breaks.  Never once has he asked for a list.

He does not afford me the same luxury.

The few first years we were together, I would get him things that I thought he needed/wanted.  Though he never came right out and said it, I could see the look of disappointment.  He is not easy to please.  About anything.  So.  The past few years I have asked him for a list and I have gotten exactly what is on it.  No variations.  And, he was pleased.  And, it was good.

This is his list this year:
Freakonomics
Afghan Whigs CD
Twilight Singers CD
Common CD (which eventually, I will steal)
Death From Above CD (he is actually asking for two.  Unless I purchase them from Amazon, I don’t think I’d be able to find them anywhere else.)
Some books about setting up your own home studio
Rage Against the Machine DVD
Pogues CD (Now.  I will tell you that I already BOUGHT him a Pogues CD, and I do not believe he’s ever listened to it.  It was an obscure album, but really.  I WILL get it for him, though, because I love me some Pogues.)

See?  He is easy.  And, he will be so happy to have all these, Oh! and also these.  And also some new boxer shorts.  I have seen three pair in the trash this week alone.

But what cracks me up about his list is that it could not be more indicative about what kind of person my husband is.  One knows everything they need to know about BH just by reading his Christmas list.

I have no list.  What does that say about me?!

Holden’s list contains, among other smaller items, and ipod and a Nintendo DS.  This tells me that my kid really reaches for the stars…He is getting the DS, from Santa, and much to Mrs. Santa’s chagrin…What’re ya gonna do?

I think I’m going to try to make these delicious looking cookies today!  Wish me luck!