I think I’m having a major identity crisis. I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee. I will sit here in front of this screen for an hour and not think of one thing I actually want to commit to writing.
There are four thousand things running around in my head, of course. But, I can’t pin one of them down long enough to get at least four hundred words out of it.
See, I like to be the Funny Girl. Or at least the Mildly Humorous Gal. But, just not a lot is making me laugh these days. Okay, that’s not entirely true. Lots of stuff is making me laugh these days…My dad and my husband were on a roll yesterday, and we all laughed a lot at them. They were being truly funny, and it made me really happy to see my dad laughing. And, it made me really proud of my husband for making that happen. Because lately? All my dad does is cry. And, that is Not Funny.
I guess I really just thought that God was going to take this cancer away. I mean, I KNEW that that wasn’t going to happen, but I kind of did. Because she appeared to be doing Very Well. And, she was chatty, and bitchy, and funny, and moving around. But, now she’s not any of those things. Now? She is things like: swollen, and fally, and sitty, and Quiet. And sleepy. These things are also Not Funny. Or Fun.
I mostly find myself thinking about all the stuff that’s really going to suck when she’s gone. She will never see Rachael’s new baby. She will never see Holden graduate from high school. Christmas will never be the same without her. Christmas is going to suck. I hate that. Who is going to clean up after my dad? How am I going to feel? How is Holden going to feel? How is my husband going to make me feel better? How am I going to help Rachael make Chloe feel better? Am I going to be able to help any one feel better? Are people going to want to touch me? Will I hit those people? What are my Grandparents going to do? I think my dad, quite literally, might die of a broken heart.
And, I just sit here and think of those things until I just can’t think anymore and then I do some Sudoku on Holden’s DS. And I do that until I can’t do that anymore and then I do some crossword puzzles. I just sit around and do stupid stuff. And, that is not good for me.
I don’t feel quite like myself. The truth is I don’t quite feel like anything. I feel empty and vacant. I feel a Suzy shaped hole in my heart.
Then I try to give myself these little pep talks like Shake it off, Jen. You’ll be alright. Everything will work itself out like it always does. You’ll all lean on each other and you’ll all make it through this okay. The thing is: I don’t believe me. Because if there’s one thing my family sucks at, its leaning.
I’m borrowing from tomorrow. I’m perfectly aware of that. This whole ordeal has been that way. Surreal. Like its happening, but not really. And, certainly not to me or to my mom. Its like a dream that I’m waking up from right now, only to find out that it really wasn’t a dream after all, and like I’ve wasted all this time pretending it wasn’t happening and now I need to get a grip. But, my fingers keep slipping.
And, GOD, I hate hate hate being this person.
And on top of all this shit, there’s a primary to vote in tomorrow. The hits. They just keep comin’.
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January 14, 2008 at 1:48 pm
superblondgirl
Awww, sweetheart, you’re entitled to feel shitty. And you’re going to have days when all you do is crosswords and Sudoku and staring at the computer screen. (Personally? I read romance novels and play Sims and Diner Dash and take naps. Wii is good, too). So don’t feel too guilty about it – your brain needs that time off from feeling all shitty, all the time. Even if it feels like a time waster. I’m so sorry that your mom is feeling worse and that things are so bad right now. I wish I had Magic Words to offer you to make it all a little more OK. Sending lots of hugs your way (I’m cool with being hit for unwanted hugs, just let me know…) ; )
January 15, 2008 at 11:11 am
coolbeans
Sometimes we put ourselves on cruise control until the next exit. It’s how you cope. It’s how you grieve. What you’re doing for distraction isn’t self-destructive. As long as you can say that, you can give yourself permission to deal with all of this the way that’s best for you.
January 15, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Loralee
You are WONDERFUL GIRL.
That is your nickname and superpower all in one.
I am sitting here reading this and just feeling so much for you. I understand so much of this, but some of it are things beyond my experience.
All I can do is give you a virtual hug and say that I am sorry.
January 15, 2008 at 10:03 pm
loraleeslooneytunes.com » Sideblog: Sometimes I wonder how do people get through.
[…] Sometimes I wonder how do people get through. Jen breaks my heart with her story sometimes. Her mom is dying of cancer and it comes with a ton of worries, emotions and realities […]
January 15, 2008 at 11:12 pm
Jen From 2Bee's Hive
Hi Jen my name is also Jen!! I came across your blog from Loralee’s. I am sorry to hear about your mom. I don’t normally comment on complete strangers blogs, especially if it’s the first time I’ve read it but I just wanted to say you and your mom are in my prayers. I lost my mom 6 years ago and know how hard it is!
Hang in there!
Jen
January 16, 2008 at 12:40 am
greyhairedcoed
It hurts like everything when someone you love is ill and has to leave… I lost both my parents. Not easy, not easy.
People can talk all they want to about ‘the circle of life’, but I had the same thoughts you do….
‘They won’t see their grandchildren graduate from highschool, or college, or get married or give them great-grandchildren…’
Life isn’t fair, that’s for sure and it sure isn’t for the weak!
January 16, 2008 at 5:54 pm
allthepretties
Thank you guys. And you know that I would normally email you individually and thank you if I had anything of worth to say! I actually did try to email Coed and Jen, but I couldn’t for some reason…And, I couldn’t access Jen’s website. SO, If you come a readin’ again…let me know so I can read you!
January 16, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Jen From 2Bee's Hive
Hey Jen,
I am sorry you couldn’t get through to my blog. I put another email address and I realize I put an @ symbol instead of a .(dot) on my blog address. Sorry!! You should be able to view it now. shaemata.blogspot.com.
Hope you’re having a better day!!
Jen
March 12, 2008 at 9:12 am
rach
I was just re reading some of your blog posts, and I just wanted to say that the way in which you write lift me up and makes me laugh in med school when I am not supposed to be…. i love you!!! plus, isnt chloe doing wayyy better than we thought?