I think I’m having a major identity crisis.  I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee.  I will sit here in front of this screen for an hour and not think of one thing I actually want to commit to writing.

There are four thousand things running around in my head, of course.  But, I can’t pin one of them down long enough to get at least four hundred words out of it.

See, I like to be the Funny Girl.  Or at least the Mildly Humorous Gal.  But, just not a lot is making me laugh these days.  Okay, that’s not entirely true.  Lots of stuff is making me laugh these days…My dad and my husband were on a roll yesterday, and we all laughed a lot at them.  They were being truly funny, and it made me really happy to see my dad laughing.  And, it made me really proud of my husband for making that happen.  Because lately?  All my dad does is cry.  And, that is Not Funny.

I guess I really just thought that God was going to take this cancer away.  I mean, I KNEW that that wasn’t going to happen, but I kind of did.  Because she appeared to be doing Very Well.  And, she was chatty, and bitchy, and funny, and moving around.  But, now she’s not any of those things.  Now?  She is things like: swollen, and fally, and sitty, and Quiet.  And sleepy.  These things are also Not Funny.  Or Fun.

I mostly find myself thinking about all the stuff that’s really going to suck when she’s gone.  She will never see Rachael’s new baby.  She will never see Holden graduate from high school.  Christmas will never be the same without her.  Christmas is going to suck.  I hate that.  Who is going to clean up after my dad?  How am I going to feel?  How is Holden going to feel?  How is my husband going to make me feel better?  How am I going to help  Rachael make Chloe feel better?  Am I going to be able to help any one feel better?  Are people going to want to touch me?  Will I hit those people?  What are my Grandparents going to do?  I think my dad, quite literally, might die of a broken heart.

And, I just sit here and think of those things until I just can’t think anymore and then I do some Sudoku on Holden’s DS.  And I do that until I can’t do that anymore and then I do some crossword puzzles.  I just sit around and do stupid stuff.  And, that is not good for me.

I don’t feel quite like myself.  The truth is I don’t quite feel like anything.  I feel empty and vacant.  I feel a Suzy shaped hole in my heart.

Then I try to give myself these little pep talks like Shake it off, Jen.  You’ll be alright.  Everything will work itself out like it always does.  You’ll all lean on each other and you’ll all make it through this okay.  The thing is: I don’t believe me.  Because if there’s one thing my family sucks at, its leaning.

I’m borrowing from tomorrow.  I’m perfectly aware of that.  This whole ordeal has been that way.  Surreal.  Like its happening, but not really.  And, certainly not to me or to my mom.  Its like a dream that I’m waking up from right now, only to find out that it really wasn’t a dream after all, and like I’ve wasted all this time pretending it wasn’t happening and now I need to get a grip.  But, my fingers keep slipping.

And, GOD, I hate hate hate being this person.

And on top of all this shit, there’s a primary to vote in tomorrow.  The hits.  They just keep comin’.

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