Mama,

Its 4:40a.m.  I can’t sleep again.  I know that’s not fair to say to you because I’m sure there are plenty of nights when you don’t sleep either.

I woke up just crying.  The tears were streaming down my face.  Then as I lay there in bed, all I could think about is this picture I have of us  in my head.

You are going to be so mad, because you always say that I never remember “the good stuff”.  I do, and I don’t see this as a particularly bad memory.  You and Dad had fought and he’d gone off to the bar, I’m sure.  He’d left, anyway, and I remember that you were sad.  And, I’d gone and sat next to you on the edge of your bed and we just sat there holding one another.  I always have that picture of you in my head.  When I think of you, I see you holding me and me holding you on the edge of your bed when we both were so young, and you had long hair.  You sang You Are My Sunshine to me.

You know that picture of us in my dining room?  The one from my wedding night when we were at the bar?  We were cracking up!  We look so much alike when we are laughing!  We had so much fun that night.  I wouldn’t have changed anything about my wedding.  I could never thank you and Dad enough.  It goes to show that a wedding doesn’t make the Marriage, huh?

I hope we have made you proud when you look at my little family.  I hope you know how much Big Hands and Holden and I love you.  I especially hope you know what an impact you have made on his life.  He makes fun of me all the time, but I know that it amazes him that a family can be so close.  And sober!

I have no regrets about my life, and the life that you and Dad gave me.  I hope you know that I mean it when I say to you that without you and Dad, I would not be the person I am today.  And, I’m pretty proud of the way I turned out.  This life I have is the one I always wanted.  I made some bad decisions, and I made some pretty good ones too.  I think BH and Holden are two choices I made that had a really good outcome.  I guess thats all that matters in the end.

You know how I am…my ignorance is my bliss.  I think this is why I am always in such a good mood!  But, I’m starting to think that you are getting a little scared, and that is making me scared for you.  You can be scared.  I’m not trying to take that away from you.  I just don’t want you to think that you can’t tell me that you are.  I’m a big girl.  I just don’t know how I can help you, or if I even can.  I just never want there to be that “I wish I would have said…” between us.

You are the only person in my entire life you has known me for all of my 32 years.  You know every last inch of me, even when I tried to hide myself from you, you always knew.  Which is so funny to me.  I never understood that kind of knowledge until I had Holden.  You DO just know when you have a kid.  Its so weird.  And, wonderful.

I love you.  In my life I have never loved anyone else with such completion.  I know I never will.

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