…and you get to read it all.  You lucky Ducks.

My parents got back from their Atlantic City Trip yesterday, so my mom was in church this morning.  I felt bad yesterday because she called when she got home and I know she wanted me to come over and see her, but Holden’s birthday party was today, and I just had so much stuff to do.  Cupcakes, house cleaning…gah!  My Non-Catholic Catholic guilt was kicking in high gear.  On the one hand, I knew I’d see her at church, then later here, for the party.  On the other hand, Guilt kept whispering that This may be the last time you ever see her.  See?  See how I am almost Catholic?!

My mom wasn’t trying to make me feel bad.  I know that.  And, I did have a lot of things to do in preparation for a house full of guests.  And, she hasn’t been given any kind of time line to make me think that any day could be the last.  Tomorrow could be ANYONE’s last day.  I know this.  Still…

In church, just sitting next to her made me extremely emotional.  I had to excuse myself to the ladies room at one point just to talk my tears back into their ducts.  This is going to be ridiculous.  Because all I can think about is that my mother is on one side of me, and she won’t be there someday.  And, then that thought just leads to: my grandma is on the OTHER side of me and SHE won’t be there someday.  Someday.  Oh, Death.  Where IS thy victory?

I think of when I was a little girl, and I really can’t remember all that much.  But, I remember my mom always used to sing You Are My Sunshine to me.  All the time.  Everytime I hear that song, I think of my mom.  These are good things to remember.  I want to remember the good things, because mostly?  I just remember the crap.  And,  I KNOW there was good somewhere in my childhood.  Even if the memories come slowly, I will always have Sunshine.

I don’t remember singing that to Holden when he was a baby.  I sang Annie’s Song by John Denver.  I wonder if he’ll remember that when he gets older?  He always used to make me sing it to him.  Now?  He asks me if I’ll stop singing!   

I got him Kid’s Bop 12 yesterday.  He hasn’t stopped with the singing and the playing of that disc, let me tell you.  The favorites so far are Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne and Glamorous by Fergie.  And, I had to listen to them both for myself because I was terribly interested in how they were going to cover up the swears in both songs.  Just so you know, instead of Avril being the Mother Effing Princess?  She’s the La la la la Princess.  And, if you ain’t got no money?  You take your broke SELF home.  Not your broke Ass.  I was relieved. 

Still, I did not have to worry about what he was listening to, when what he was listening to was me.  Singing John Denver to him until he fell asleep.

Made cupcakes in ice cream cones for the party.  D-lish.  Took me straight back to second grade.