I had, bar none, the THE THE worst date of my life the other night.  Now, I realize that I’ve been out of the loop for a while…I got into a fairly serious relationship after my divorce, so it’s not like I played the field or anything.  I played Ah field.  And that field was young.

And, I’ve been giving that some serious contemplation time…my liking the younger dudes.  Here’s why I think that is:  the last time I seriously dated someone, he was 23, and you know, so was I!  And, we were together for 11 years.

Essentially, my dating life was just stunted at 23.  So when I started dating a 24 year old, he was actually OLDER than me in Stunted Dating Life Years.  (Give it to me, okay?  Its how I have to make sense of it!)

When my sisters started telling me that I have to start dating people my own age, I was all like, What?  But those guys are so OLD.  Ew.  They’ll be all wrinkly and arthritic.  Its gonna be like dating my DAD.  Ick and ew.

Because, you know…in Stunted Dating Life Years (I’m 23 there…) it WOULD be like dating an old man.  12 hypothetical years makes a big difference when you’re hypothetically 23 and your hypothetical boyfriend is 35.  Blech.

It wasn’t until I went on a date with an awkward boy of 31, that I woke up and realized that I am 35.

35 and proud.  35 and loud.  35 and not awkward and uncomfortable and insanely stupid.

Three things that put me off:

1.  DIRTY FINGERNAILS
Now, I realize that this guy works at a greenhouse.  He gets dirty.  I get that.    But really?  Wash up, guys.  Especially when you are meeting a Very Clean Lady for the first time.  I painted my toenails for you.  As Sister Rach said, “Maybe he should have introduced himself to Dawn, before he introduced himself to you, and gotten that shit scrubbed off!”  Amen.

2. FOLDING ARMS ACROSS CHEST AND TRYING TO SHRINK YOURSELF INTO BOOTH
Nothing says I Exude Confidence like the incredibly shrinking boy…
If you aren’t confident?  I will eat you.  EAT YOU.  Devour you whole and leave nothing but a carcass.  I’m a total beyatch that way.

3. WANDERING EYE
When you haven’t met someone face to face and one person says, “Is there anything I should know about you?”?  It may be nice to tell them, “You know, one of my eyes is kinda lazy.  Its my right one.  But don’t let that bother you, they are a gorgeous shade of blue.”
Because it’s not the eye that’s going to bother anyone.  It’s that they didn’t know about it, and they had to spend the entire date (which, if you are this guy, will last one hour) trying to decide which eye to look into.
Its super effing distracting.
I know how that sounds?   But, it’s just the elephant in the room.  And, I’m just sayin’…

The whole experience put me off of blind dating. 

Okay, well except that I went on another hypothetical date with a hypothetical 37 year old person who was seemingly nice.  He’s not totally gross.  But, I’m just getting used to my Real Age.

So I guess; we’ll see. 

Again.