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1. you are not always right. its impossible. im not always right either, but you SURE as hell arent. i mean, God did not endow you, personally, with the gift of fricken knowlege. that was solomon. you from the Bible? didn’t think so.
2. if your name is chad? not going out with you.
3. if you are an only child – not going out with you.
4. no, you can’t meet my kid yet. der.
5. you don’t like my cat? eff off. (im dead serious about this one.) new rule:
6. no, you can’t meet my cat yet. der.
7. if you are shy do not apply.
8. (flip side) if you’re a dick – back off you prick big jerky guy.
9. people like me. if you don’t like me, its prolly cuz you are a number 8.
10. you spell “getting” this way: G-E-T-T-I-N-G. not “gitting”. (as in: im gitting another tatoo tomarrey!)(kid you not.)(okay well…the tomarrey part WAS kidding, but you catch my drift…)
has it really been that long? have all the men on this planet lost their effing minds? (of course, i don’t mean YOUR husbands…)
Gah.
I had, bar none, the THE THE worst date of my life the other night. Now, I realize that I’ve been out of the loop for a while…I got into a fairly serious relationship after my divorce, so it’s not like I played the field or anything. I played Ah field. And that field was young.
And, I’ve been giving that some serious contemplation time…my liking the younger dudes. Here’s why I think that is: the last time I seriously dated someone, he was 23, and you know, so was I! And, we were together for 11 years.
Essentially, my dating life was just stunted at 23. So when I started dating a 24 year old, he was actually OLDER than me in Stunted Dating Life Years. (Give it to me, okay? Its how I have to make sense of it!)
When my sisters started telling me that I have to start dating people my own age, I was all like, What? But those guys are so OLD. Ew. They’ll be all wrinkly and arthritic. Its gonna be like dating my DAD. Ick and ew.
Because, you know…in Stunted Dating Life Years (I’m 23 there…) it WOULD be like dating an old man. 12 hypothetical years makes a big difference when you’re hypothetically 23 and your hypothetical boyfriend is 35. Blech.
It wasn’t until I went on a date with an awkward boy of 31, that I woke up and realized that I am 35.
35 and proud. 35 and loud. 35 and not awkward and uncomfortable and insanely stupid.
Three things that put me off:
1. DIRTY FINGERNAILS
Now, I realize that this guy works at a greenhouse. He gets dirty. I get that. But really? Wash up, guys. Especially when you are meeting a Very Clean Lady for the first time. I painted my toenails for you. As Sister Rach said, “Maybe he should have introduced himself to Dawn, before he introduced himself to you, and gotten that shit scrubbed off!” Amen.
2. FOLDING ARMS ACROSS CHEST AND TRYING TO SHRINK YOURSELF INTO BOOTH
Nothing says I Exude Confidence like the incredibly shrinking boy…
If you aren’t confident? I will eat you. EAT YOU. Devour you whole and leave nothing but a carcass. I’m a total beyatch that way.
3. WANDERING EYE
When you haven’t met someone face to face and one person says, “Is there anything I should know about you?”? It may be nice to tell them, “You know, one of my eyes is kinda lazy. Its my right one. But don’t let that bother you, they are a gorgeous shade of blue.”
Because it’s not the eye that’s going to bother anyone. It’s that they didn’t know about it, and they had to spend the entire date (which, if you are this guy, will last one hour) trying to decide which eye to look into.
Its super effing distracting.
I know how that sounds? But, it’s just the elephant in the room. And, I’m just sayin’…
The whole experience put me off of blind dating.
Okay, well except that I went on another hypothetical date with a hypothetical 37 year old person who was seemingly nice. He’s not totally gross. But, I’m just getting used to my Real Age.
So I guess; we’ll see.
Again.
I’m relationship girl. I cannot “date”. I find it absurd and uncomfortable. How do you keep your stories straight with more than one person at a time? I do not know. I can’t figure it out.
So what typically happens is that I meet someone. We go on a date to “see how it goes”, and then we end up dating for the next year.
Either, I’m really good at picking them, or I’m really lazy.
BUT, regardless of how wonderful the year we dated was, Church Boy and I decided amicably to go our separate ways. I have too much muchness for someone who is still trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up. And, he is totally entitled to not have it all figured out! He’s at that point in his life…I’m just so way far past that part…
SO, here I am again on my own! Which is totally not a bad thing for me. I don’t mind being alone. But, it’s not what I want in the long run.
Its funny, but that is the hard part of all of this. I KNOW what I want, so its hard to find. Like when you go out to find that perfect pair of shoes, or that little black dress. You KNOW what you want – and you never can find it. It’s just not there when you need it, but it’s ALWAYS there when you aren’t looking, and of course when you don’t have the money to buy…
Rach thinks I’m being too picky, but really…can you BE too picky when you are a single mother? I don’t think so.
I’m looking for someone who is perfectly happy settling into the life I’ve created. I’m not moving. Ever. I am finally where I want to be, and I just don’t want to move. Holden loves it here…I love it here. I like the art I’ve hung on my walls, I like the way my books are arranged on my bookshelf. I like all my cats.
So I’m kind of selfish. I realize that. I feel like I’ve spent so much time living in someone else’s life that I feel now is the time for me.
I gotta keep my muchness.
Okay. All that said? I have a kind of blind date on Monday. So, we’ll see how it goes.
